When it Feels so Unfair -

When it Feels so Unfair

In my Beyond Divorce: Thriving Solo Sisterhood Facebook Group this week, a member posted about the pain in her marriage and divorce. And she ended the post with “IT’S JUST SO UNFAIR?

She wasn’t referring to the outcome of the divorce proceedings being unfair. The unfairness was more generally about her difficult marriage and divorce. And her ex’s ability to move on.
And you know what, she’s right! Sometimes it’s not fair that the ex can move on and feel happy, while you’re still feeling bad.
But now that we've admitted it's unfair now what?
What’s next is focusing on thoughts and feelings that serve us. Serve our healing and happiness.
I remember my own pain of divorce. Yet, I recognize, from years of helping divorced women, that staying stuck in the ‘unfairness’ will prevent you from healing and moving forward. It’s important to allow yourself to experience all emotions that rise. However, you can flip that script in your mind to retrain your brain to think in a more empowering way. This is critical to healing.
If you are feeling that “it’s all so unfair”, here’s 5 questions I want you to explore the next time that feeling appears.

1. What's now possible for me?

Ask yourself:
What’s now possible for me that wasn’t possible when I was married?
We are unable to see possibilities ahead of us, when we’re so focused on what we’ve lost. I’ve worked with countless women that were unhappily married, but were still in so much pain when the relationship ended. Some of that pain came from focusing solely on the loss. They were unable to think of what’s now possible for them as they are out of an unhappy marriage.
Yes, you have a right to all feelings of sadness. However, it’s important to change your perspective to serve your healing. That’s what the priority should be.

2. What am I grateful for?

When you’re feeling things are unfair, take stock of all that you have to be grateful for in that moment. It will help you flip that story in your head about the unfairness of everything that’s happened. It’s proven that when you feel like a victim of circumstance, you feel less control to change it. Focus on what will change how you’re feeling.  Also, focus on the thoughts that will help you create an incredible future.
When you’re feeling life is unfair, take a deep breath and consider all the things you have to be grateful for.

3. Who is less fortunate than me?

When you’re feeling life is unfair, it’s also very powerful to give back to someone that’s less fortunate than you. We can all find someone who’s going through something painful. Again, this isn’t to disregard everything that you’ve been through. We are simply focusing on how to release the feeling of unfairness.
Make a plan to give back to someone who’s less fortunate when you’re feeling that life is unfair. It’s a very powerful way to put things in perspective,

4. What's the gift in pain?

A very powerful shift in thinking is to ask:
How did this happen FOR me instead of TO me?
Consider the growth opportunity to help you create the best version of you. It’s believing it all happened TO you, that creates the emotions of unfairness. When you flip that script to believing it happened FOR you, you will find the gift in the pain. If you want to be empowered to create the best second chapter of your life, you have to see the gift in the pain. Remember, without pain there is no transformation.

5. What action can I take to feel differently?

They say the best revenge is no revenge and living a happy life. So when you’re feeling that life is so unfair, I want you to take an action in the direction of the life of your dreams. Send that message to your brain that you’re in control. That life IS FAIR because you’re going to turn this pain into your power. That you are going to come out on top. Stronger than ever. And happier than ever.
Because you know what’s really unfair? … wasting the pain and not allowing it to transform you into the happiest version of you ever.
Now is your time!

To your best life,


Dianah Johnson is a writer, mentor, and Certified Life Coach.  With her training in Hypnosis, Neurolinguistic Programming, and Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Dianah created the Rapid Reprogramming Technique(RRT).  A powerful technique that helps women release the programming keeping them stuck and in pain after divorce.  Dianah has helped hundreds of divorced women heal old wounds, rediscover and love themselves deeply, and create an incredible future with clarity and confidence.  Learn more at www.dianahjohnsoncoaching.com

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