EPISODE # 8
Little Mistakes That Cost Us Self Love
If you’ve struggled with loving yourself, believing painful things about yourself, and letting others determine your worth, this episode is for you.
EPISODE # 8
If you’ve struggled with loving yourself, believing painful things about yourself, and letting others determine your worth, this episode is for you.
In today’s episode I am sharing three mistakes that prevent you from loving you more after divorce and exactly what to do about them.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER:
I have a special free gift for my Podcast Listeners that you can download at www.dianahjohnsoncoaching.com/podcast. It is one of my most powerful reprogramming meditations called I AM Enough and it’s my gift to you for listening.
When you finish listening, I’d love to hear your biggest takeaway from today’s episode. Take a screenshot of you listening on your device, share it to your Instagram stories and tag me, @dianah_johnson
While you’re there, make sure you follow me on Instagram so you can see behind the scenes of how I help divorced women return to self love, rebuild their independent identity and experience greater peace of mind after divorce.
Thank you so much for tuning in to The Return to YOU after divorce Podcast! Make sure you’re subscribed so you’re the first to know as soon as new episodes drop, and to get access to exclusive bonus content we reserve only for our subscribers.
When you leave us a five-star review, we will enter you into a monthly prize draw to support you on your life after divorce journey! It is my thank you for our loyal listeners! Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let me know what you love most about the podcast. Thank you for being a part of this mission to help others find this show!
The truth is I could do every single episode about the journey to self love after divorce. How you feel about yourself is reflected in your entire world. In your relationships, your healing, your health, your career, in your frame of mind. Everything.
So since your divorce or maybe even over your lifetime have you found yourself…
I could go on. So If you’re listening and wondering well how do I know if I love myself And is this episode really for me. Here’s how you know… if you want to know how you feel about yourself, take a look at your life. Your life is a reflection of your thoughts. And those thoughts create how you feel about yourself which then affect the actions you take in life… and those actions create your life. See how it’s all connected.
Some questions you can ask yourself…
How do I treat myself? How do I allow others to treat me? What am I tolerating in life? What an I putting off that I need? What am I allowing to continue in my life that’s causing me pain?
This is how lack of self love shows up in the world. For me, I was constantly putting myself down and trying to prove my worth through relationships and accomplishments. And my divorced triggered my lack of self worth and these unloving actions toward myself intensified. And learning to love myself again was truly the key to committing to me.
The reason why self-love is critical on this journey after divorce is not only because it affects everything in your life but it will affect your commitment to you. Your commitment and focus to making chapter 2 all that you deserve. The love you have for yourself will be reflected in all of your relationships. It will be reflected in your decision to focus on you more than your ex. It will be the key to Healing any feelings of rejection or failure that you’ve experienced because of the end of your marriage.
Here is the thing, We Focus on the things we value. We focus on the things we love. We focus on the things that are important to us. So if you don’t fall into those categories of being valued and loved by yourself, then your focus will not be on you. An incredible, peaceful second chapter of life doesn’t happen by chance. It happens by your focus on you and that’s why this conversation is so important.
Before I dive into this week’s episode I want to say if you struggle with loving yourself since your divorce, you are not alone. I work with women every day that feel this way. And As I mentioned I did as well. Not only after divorce, but for my entire life until I did the subconscious reprogramming work that I now share. Unfortunately, the struggle with self-love is a condition of living in our society. The messages that we have received since childhood and the way our minds work to program our beliefs is the unfortunate combination of removing the self-love we were born with. So if you are struggling with self love, begin with being very compassionate with yourself and know it is not your fault. And that’s so important because so many women that I work with beat themselves up for not loving themselves and then the cycle continues.
ok, So let’s get this conversation started about the most important relationship you will ever have and that’s the one you have with yourself. I’m going to dive into the little mistakes that we make that actually prevent us from loving ourselves more. So stay tuned …
In my private Facebook Community the other day a member asked how can I know how to love myself if I have never been really loved before. And on the same day I received an email for my client who said I don’t know how to love myself. So both were saying how do I love?
My short answer is … if you know how to feel love for others, you know how to love yourself. You see our true nature is we are love. We don’t learn to love.
Perhaps we learn the societal Norms of how to express love but our truest nature, our natural state of being is love. So even if you don’t know how to express love, you know how to feell love.
So for people who say to me I don’t know how to love, you’re not learning how to love yourself, you are unlearning the thoughts that get in the way of you loving yourself. You are unlearning the life’s conditioning that told you you didn’t deserve your own love and attention. You’re releasing the beliefs in the way of feeling of love for you. No one has ever said to you let me show you how to feel love. So I can’t do a podcast episode on how to create that feeling in you.
instead we look at how to remove the learning of a lifetime that made you forget that feeling of love for you.
So let’s dive into those three mistakes that prevent you from loving you more and exactly what to do about them.
Giving Someone Else the Power to Validate Your Worth
The very first mistake is believing our worth has anything to do with anyone outside of us. And how do I know most of us do this? Because every day, I work with women who are in agony over losing someone they even weren’t happy with. And it’s because they subconsciously made that rejection mean something about their worth.
When love from another person ends, our mind looks for answers for why. And unfortunately it taps into our programming about our worth. Our mind is always showing us proof of what we believe. This is one of the reasons our self-esteem is so shaken when we go through a divorce. Our conditioning says this person we married must love us forever. So if that changes our mind looks reasons why and often it’s that we weren’t good enough. Or that we didn’t deserve that type of love. Even if we end the relationship, our programming can say we aren’t good enough to keep the marriage together. This is what happens when someone outside of us controls the love we have for ourselves.
And that’s why it’s a mistake… What Happens When Someone Else Validates your Worth? They have the power to take it away.
Your love for you is tied to the feelings and judgements of others. And in reality it couldn’t possibly be about you and your worth.
If you’ve ever tied your worth to someone else, I really want you to take this in …
here is how we know another’s feeling is not about your worth … have you ever met someone that your friends loved and you just couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. So maybe others saw their boisterous, fun loving, loud nature so endearing. But for you, it was annoying and boastful. Now that person is just there being themselves. The only thing that’s changed is the person perceiving them.
It’s the same for you. You can treat two people exactly the same. You can show them the same qualities. And one person doesn’t care for you and the other person loves you deeply. So if you treat them both the same, what’s the only difference? The only difference is the filter through which they see you. You are a projection of their wounds, ego, and their beliefs. They see you through their programming.
It’s the same as your ex. His feelings of you are created through a filter of his own wounds and beliefs starting since the day he was born? And it actually has nothing to do with whether or not you’re good enough, you’re worthy or you’re lovable. Another person could come along with different beliefs, wounds, and programming, you could be exactly what they need and want.
It’s the same for me.
Some people love me, and I’m sure some people don’t. And I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Here’s an objective analogy that’s easier to demonstrate accept because there is less emotion attached. Let’s say someone has a deep passion and love for travelling. And their best friend despises travelling and all that comes with it… Is it about traveling? If someone loves contemporary art and their friend despises it, is it about art? It’s never about the object of the feeling. It is about the person who is perceiving, judging and seeing the object.
So if one person on this planet judges you through their own programming and don’t love you, that has nothing to do with you. Because you are a projection of their filter of you.
Now if you’re thinking, does that mean we can treat people however we want because it’s not about us. No, this isn’t about values and morals. How we treat people is based on who we are, not about how people will react.
Ok, to create this shift in your subconscious let’s find the exception to any belief that your worth is tied to how someone else feels about you.
Bring to mind a woman you love deeply. Your daughter, mother, sister, best friend ….
If her husband left her; if she got cheated on; if she made a mistake; or she failed at something …
Would she lose her value in your eyes?
If you said no, then I invite you to ask yourself if you have allowed the behavior of others to decrease your own value in your eyes. And why are you the exception? Why are you the only person to lose value? You’re not, and you don’t.
If it were true that we needed to be loved by every person including our spouses in order to be worthy, then you would never find someone single who is worthy.
I will give you some reflection questions at the end of this episode to help create this shift in your subconscious but in the meantime can you see that self love begins and ends with you? It wasn’t until I recognized this that I was able to reconnect to my own self worth. And to love myself unconditionally. One of the most powerful truths you can accept is that your worth has nothing to do with anyone outside of you. You were born worthy and not a person on that planet can change that.
Believing Everything You Think About Yourself
Okay let’s move on to mistake number to that prevents us from loving or so And that is believing everything you think about yourself.
You were born like a clean slate. When you came into this world, you loved yourself and you knew your worth. And then life happened. Your best friend got mad at you; a boyfriend rejected you; a parent yelled at you; you failed a test, Commercials on TV showed you you are pretty and so on. Your mind then made those events mean something about you and your worth.
A lifetime of events have created beliefs in your mind, that impact how you feel about yourself. And that’s the same for all of us. It’s that programming running 95% of the show. Every time these things happen in life, painful beliefs about yourself get reinforced. So it’s so important to know there’s nothing wrong with you. If you struggle to love yourself, you are like all of us. You’ve been programmed since the day you were born by the things that made you question your worth.
You weren’t born feeling not good enough. Life forms our beliefs about ourselves. And we stop questioning it and take it as truth. So mistake number two is taking all of that as truth without question.
Divorce itself doesn’t make you feel…
– not good enough
– like a failure
– like you did something wrong
– like you’re unworthy
Divorce triggers the old programming that makes you feel that way… And that goes for everything… Divorce, Failures, Rejection, Mistakes, Life Events …does not make you less worthy.
Your Beliefs about Divorce, Failures, Rejections, Mistakes, Life Events, … make you FEEL less worthy
Your mind will believe what you tell it repeatedly. So you’re initially programmed to believe things about yourself since you were born. Your mind doesn’t know the difference between imagination or reality. So if your subconscious has repeated that you’re not good enough or your failure or you’re not worthy or any of the things that make you feel less self-love, then you simply believe it. But that doesn’t make it true.
I simply invite you to notice the things that you believe about yourself that make you love yourself less. And when you notice these thoughts, question them. So say for instance you run into your ex and his new partner and on your drive home you hear yourself say why wasn’t I good enough what’s wrong with me. I invite you to stop yourself and say is it true that I’m not good enough. Is it true that there’s something wrong with me. What else could be possible. Why am I just taking that as truth because I’ve repeated it. That is the key listen to what you believe about yourself but don’t believe it. Listen but don’t believe it. It’s simply a product of your programming of a lifetime. Just because you say it doesn’t make it true.
So here’s an example. My parents got divorced when I was very young. And when they divorce my mother moved out. And when I did this work, I realized I believed “I’m not be worth staying around for”. So I found proof against that and released it rather easily. Ofcourse there were many others to release but that’s one example.
Here’s why this is so critical, your beliefs determine what you see.
If you believe you are not good enough, your mind will show you proof of that in your life. And all that proof prevents you from loving yourself. For as long as I held the belief that I’m not worth staying around for I saw proof of that in everyone and everything.
But the opposite is also true…
If you believe you are good enough, your mind will show you proof of that in your life.
So the amazing thing is, Nothing outside of you has to change for you to Love yourself unconditionally. You don’t need to be or become anything before feeling good enough and loving yourself.
You Already Love Yourself. You are not learning self learning. You are Remembering.
Waiting to Feel Worthy/Good Enough Before Acting Like It
And mistake #3 is waiting until you feel worthy to start acting like it. You Don’t Need to Wait to Feel Worthy Before Taking Any of These Actions
Here’s the thing, Self Love is a Discipline.
Self love is a journey, it is a way of being in your life. It’s consistency, practice, and creating habits of being self-loving. We are unlearning years of programming. So it does take attention and effort. But I can’t think of anything that’s more worth it because it is the foundation of everything in your life.
Self love is as much an action as it is a feeling. You have to act Self loving in order to feel it. You have to commit to doing things that reinforce love for yourself. The key is acting as though you love yourself even before you believe it. For two reasons. One, you are sending a message to your mind that you are lovable and you are worth it. And that will reinforce new programming that serves self love.
Here’s an exercise to help you start this … think about someone you love unconditionally like a child. Think about how you want them to be treated? If they are hurting, how would you speak to them? what would you do for them? How would you comfort them? How would you want them to be treated by others? In life in general, what do you want for them? Do you want them to have the best food, the best sleep? Do you want to be protected from bad treatment from others? Do you want them to do things that bring them joy?
Make a list of all the thing you would do for them to show the love. And a list of all the thing you want for them in life because you love them dearly. And then go about bringing this list to life fo ryou.
This is why I say, if you know how to love others, you know how to love yourself.
It takes consistency and it takes practice. And you may have to make choices moment by moment to be more self-loving. And it will take practice to act as though you love yourself even before you do. But that is critical. People say to me, how do I love myself? You have to act like you love yourself. You’ve got to reinforce new programming that tells you, you are worth it. Don’t wait until you feel it fully. Your feelings are driven by your thoughts. You have to show your mind through your actions that you believe you deserve the love.
It’s very powerful to show your mind the exception to what you believe. Make a list of things that make you not love yourself. I’m not good enough because my husband left or I’m not good enough because I couldn’t keep my family together. Whatever Story you tell yourself that’s causing you to love yourself less I want you to find exception. Do you love another person who’s divorced? Do you love another person who chose to leave a marriage? Do you love a person who’s failed or who’s been rejected? If so, you can love you through the same.
Think about pivotal events in your life that have created painful beliefs about yourself. Once you know the event, write down the things that you believe about yourself because of it.
Once you have your thoughts recorded, I invite you to write down evidence against it.
How can I start acting like I love myself more and treating myself like I would the other people I love?