EPISODE # 6
Who's Controlling Your Happiness After Divorce?
If you give the key to your happiness to others and you are ready to take control over your own happiness, this episode is for you.
EPISODE # 6
If you give the key to your happiness to others and you are ready to take control over your own happiness, this episode is for you.
In today’s episode I am going to share with you a realization that changed my life. And that was that I was allowing too many people, including my ex, to have power over my happiness.
I’ll be diving into the 3 most common ways that divorced women give the key to their happiness away, and ofcourse, exactly what to do about it.
If you are ready to take control over your own happiness, this episode is for you.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER:
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Welcome to the return to podcast episode number six.
Okay I just had to do this episode for you. The moment I made the realization I’m sharing with you today, stands out in my mind like it was just yesterday. Before I did my own reprogramming work I spent most of my life in some sort of angst. much of that was driven by my attachment to what others thought of me and how, they felt about me. If I’m honest, it also came from concerning myself with what they should and shouldn’t do in their own life. I was a prisoner to the reactions and the feelings of other people.
And now as I do this belief work with divorced women, I see this all the time. Most of my clients when we first start working together don’t want to talk about themselves. They want to talk about their ex and everything that he is doing or did do to rob them of their happiness. And as I’m sure you know, I can’t help a client change her ex. So we could be wasting a lot of time focused on someone outside of her and how they should change.
If this sounds like you at all… That you are still affected by the things that your ex did or is currently doing this episode is for you. Actually, if you are affected by the actions and feelings of anyone outside of you, this episode is for you. If others create anxiety, anger, sadness or anything else in you, this episode may be exactly what you need to hear.
And yes I do believe it is the one thing that every divorce woman needs to hear.
Let me ask you …
… Who has control over your mind? Who’s running your emotions?
Your first instinct may be to say well I do. Of course I control my own mind and my own thoughts and I am the one with the power over my emotions.
Have you ever had your ex in front of you and they do something and you can feel your heart racing in your blood pressure rising with anger? Or have you been in front of your mother and cheese expressing an opinion about something in your life and you feel immediately irritated. Or how about you’re in front of your boss and she makes a comment about your work and you feel your heart sink.
Those examples… Who has control over your mind? And who is running your emotions?
Is it you… Is it your ex… Is it your mother… Is it your boss…
Isn’t it true that in our day-to-day her life our emotions are triggered by the thoughts we have of other peoples actions and behaviors? If this at all feels true for you, I’d love for you to consider this …
For as long as you react to others actions, feelings or behaviours … you are a prisoner of that person. If you want to take your power back, I invite you to consider who really owns your happiness and peace of mind.
If you are living in reaction to them, they do. Can even if it’s not about reacting to other people, if you’re constantly reacting to life circumstances beyond your control, then life is running your emotions..
But here is the most powerful thing.. Isn’t it true, when your peace no longer depends on anything outside of you, you’ve taken back your power.
You may be wondering how it’s possible to not react to others and life’s circumstance. I asked that very question. It does take practice. And it does take brain training. But that’s what we are doing every week here on this podcast.
We can not control how other people think, or feel. Frankly we can’t control many of the things that happen in life. But we can always control our thoughts about it.
My best example of being able to have peace no matter what is happening outside of you is… Is Nelson Mandela. I love his quote “as I walked through the doors to my freedom I knew if I didn’t leave my anger and resentment behind I would still be in prison.”
What an example of how the events do not determine how you feel. Instead it is how you choose to think about them.
I had a client say to me the other day … I just want him to change his mind so I can be happy again. And I responded… and I just want you to change your mind so you can be happy again. Because you create your own happiness inside of your own mind. your mind is your prisoner or your path to Freedom. And that is completely up to you.
I knew that she could release the layers of beliefs that stood in her way of happiness. And that didn’t depend on what her ex was doing and even how life was unfolding.
Okay let’s dive into 3 Concepts that can help you take back your power and start living with the truth that you control your happiness..
Because I am sure it sounds really great to not let people and circumstances outside of you affect your happiness and peace of mind. but how in the world can we even make that happen. I’m excited too show you how. And take it from me, I was addicted to how other people were making me feel. I was obsessed with my own story about how others were making me feel. And how others even in my childhood had done me wrong to now create my anxiety and depression. So if I can let go of letting outside people and circumstances control my peace of mind, so can you. So can anyone. Don’t get me wrong it takes time and practice and of course I’m not perfect. There are times I have to check myself. But it is so so worth it to take back your power and do this work.
STOP THE ARGUMENT AGAINST WHO PEOPLE ARE
Okay so the very first thing and this will take practice and you may not like this… But you have to practice stopping the argument in your mind who’s people should be and how they should feel and how they should act. I’ll dive into this a little deeper… But I want to make clear this doesn’t mean drop all of your boundaries and standards and expectations of how people treat you. This simply means dropping the belief did anyone should be anything other than they are. Because what’s driving them is their programming, and wants to drive in your belief that they should be different is your programming. And that creates pain inside of you when they go on being them.
This week I invite you to Simply start to notice how many times you say the words should and shouldn’t in your thoughts. If I could get rid of this word from the planet I would. Here are some of the typical things that I hear daily from the divorced women that I work with one on one.
My best friend should call me. My ex shouldn’t parent that way. People shouldn’t divorce. Underneath all those surface-level shoulds is this … people should believe what I believe. People should act the way I want them to act. People should have the same values. People should feel the way I want them to feel. and we suffer when we believe people should be any other way than they are and they are not. When I started noticing how often I said people should be a certain way I was shocked. And thought no wonder I am always struggling. I knew I was giving my power and frankly my peace over to other people. Because I was allowing their feelings and actions to disturb me inside of my own mind.
Ok think about something that really aggravates you about someone. It may not be your ex. It could be people in general. Like those that bring out the road rage in you. Or perhaps someone talking very loudly on their cell phone in line at the grocery store. Just think about the little aggravation that you face day in and day out.
I’d love for you to consider how do you believe that person should act instead. If you are still interacting with your ex spouse, think about all the ways you believe he should be different.
And here’s why I want you to think about this…
For as long as we argue against the reality Who people are and what they do, you are a prisoner of something out of your control. If you say someone should be someone else, you will be unhappy when they go on being them. Now let me be clear this conversation is only about who controls your happiness.
When you live your life full of expectations of others they control your happiness. They have their own programming that drives their behavior. A lifetime of conditioning that started from the day they were born. If you are believing they should be a certain way and they are acting based on their own programming … you are fighting a losing battle. You will never be able to change anyone else. To release that battle in your own mind, release the beliefs that says who they should and shouldn’t be. And then you’re able to be at peace when they go on being themselves.
I remember starting this work and thinking… if I drop my belief about how people and life should be, then it will be a free for all. Everyone can do what they like. I thought my beliefs about them some how controlled the outcome. And guess what, everyone and everything was already a free for all. Everyone was being who they are and my belief they should be different wasn’t changing them. So my fight against reality was all for nothing.
Isn’t it true… That having the belief that someone should be different doesn’t actually make it so. So you can drop that belief and the only thing changes is how you were feeling inside of you. They just keep being who they always were and you can be at peace with that.
I want to be clear, releasing the belief that people should be a certain way does not mean you have no standards. You still get to decide and enforce how you want people to treat you. You get to set those boundaries. My boundaries have never been firmer. Because it’s now coming from a place of genuine desire to protect my own well-being and it has nothing to do with them.
So here is my best example … I am a vegetarian and for me my standard is that I don’t eat animals. But everyone in my family eats animals and I am in full acceptance that the majority of people do. I accept they have different beliefs and desires. And that is just about 100% of the people in my life. Now I have two choices … I can argue in my own mind that they should act as I do. I can fight with reality that the majority don’t feel the way I do about eating animals. And I can stay awake at night and cry, yell and fight with people and the world to change. Or I can be in full acceptance that they act based on their beliefs not mine. And who am I to say how they should believe when they have their own programming since childhood. In full acceptance, I get to peacefully sit with my family as they eat animals. And in acceptance I have zero judgment, sadness or anger. And from that place, I’m in a better position to influence them. I’m kinder and not fighting against who they are. The best part is, if I can’t influence them, I am still at peace. Because I have dropped the beliefs of how they should feel and act.
This entire episode is about simply releasing the argument in your mind about how they should be because it’s not changing the outcome. So you prioritize peace instead.
STOP THE FIGHT WITH REALITY
Let’s move on to the second ingredient to reconnecting to who really controls your happiness dot-dot-dot which is you. We talked about letting go of the belief that people should be any other way they are and now I want to talk about stopping the fight with reality. The reality of life. So a really similar concept but it’s equally important for taking back your power and control your own peace and happiness..
I know a lot of people struggle with feeling full acceptance of reality because it feels like resignation. That we are just if we accept it all we are just resigned to life being as it is. That you are okay with everything that happens in life because you’re giving up the fight against it.
So let me ask you… can you accept that we are unable to change many of the things that happen in our world. But it doesn’t mean we are resigned to not do anything about it. Accepting reality doesn’t mean you let go of desires and passions. It doesn’t mean you stop trying to influence the world and have conversations about what matters.
You can both simultaneously accept that something is happening and still take action to change it.
When you stop the fight with reality and be in full acceptance, the world outside of you can not control your happiness.
I’d like to share an example about struggling to accept the divorced status. And this is so critical because so many women say to me I know I can move forward but I shouldn’t have to. This should have never happened. That programming that says none of this should be happening actually becomes a source of resistance for healing fully and moving forward. Those beliefs of how life should be creates meaning in our mind that if we heal and move forward it means we are okay with life being different than we thought it should be. That we are okay with divorce.
So being in full acceptance is this… I accept what has happened because I cannot change it and now I will take actions to move forward. Being in acceptance is the most powerful place to be to powerfully move forward.
Here is the example … when we get injured, we go into healing mode instead of fighting what happened. So if you were to sprain your ankle stepping in a pothole, do you stay there arguing with the pothole. Do you just stay there arguing with yourself and being so angry. Do you stay there for as long as possible resisting the fact that it happened. Are you sitting there next to the pothole in a complete fight that it happened and this is the reality of what’s going on right now.
Most of us wouldn’t. If you are like me, you immediately go into acceptance and healing mode. You think, I need to get this elevated, wrapped up and get some ice on it. You accept that it happened so you are able to then focus your brain on the healing. Here’s the key… With physical pain we know that wasting energy on the fact that it shouldn’t have happened will take away our focus on healing
So here’s the thing, we get do that with emotional pain too. We can choose the same. We can choose to not waste energy fighting against the fact that it happened and instead put all of our energy on the healing Journey.. We can be in full acceptance in order to focus our brain on our next steps. So dropping the fight against reality is the key to controlling your own peace of mind. I always say we can’t control our outer world, but we most certainly control our inner world.
In the third ingredient for really reconnecting to who controls your happiness is to actually notice and question the scenarios that you have going on inside of your own head. If you have listened to episode number three about how your words impact how you were feeling you will know the power of letting go of your made up scenarios in the mind.
Here’s what I mean by this… Have you ever had a fight with someone in your own mind and then you see them later and they’re perfectly happy to see you but you’re feeling angry.? Or maybe you have an important meeting at work and you start playing a movie in your mind of how it may go and it doesn’t go well. Or maybe someone that’s really important to you hasn’t called you in a couple of weeks so you make up this whole scenario in your brain of how they don’t care about you and what a bad friend there.
Here’s the thing these scenarios that we make up in our mind Rob us of our own happiness And most of them are not even true. Our mind doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality. And episode 3 I walk you through a little exercise of biting into a lemon and how your body reacts to that you start to salivate and have that feeling in your cheeks. Or when you replay a fight in your mind and your heart starts to race and your blood pressure raises. Even if you didn’t have that fight in reality and you only had a made-up fight in your mind it affects your mood and your body in the exact same way. So taking back your power of controlling your peace of mind is letting go of making up scenarios because you actually can’t ever know what’s happening inside of anyone else.
This week to just catch yourself if you start going into these mind movies of bad things that people are doing or thinking or feeling about you. Or things that are going wrong at least in terms of the images you’re playing in your own mind. Kids things that you don’t even know are true or creating suffering. So simply question it that.. Simply question those painful my movies and ask yourself and I absolutely know but this is how it’s going to go or that this is how this person is feeling. And the answer is always no. You actually can’t no anything inside of anyone else.
So to bring the power you control your own happiness back to you, You have to be willing to let go of the made-up scenarios.
All right as usual I am going to give you some reflection questions for this week that you can take and journal on them
The first I’d love for you to ask yourself who is one person that I believe should be different in any way and am I open to letting that go?
What’s one thing in my life that I am resisting because I believe it should be different? and am I willing to release it because it’s out of my control?
And finally ask yourself what scenarios do I make up in my mind that cause me pain and am I willing to let them go?
All right that is it for this week and I wanted to let you know I have a little gift for my my loyal podcast listeners even though we’re only on episode number 6 if you head to my website at www.dianahjohnsoncoaching.com/podcast I have my I am enough meditation that you can download. It’s a reprogramming meditation and it is one of my clients favourite meditation and I’m giving it to you as a free download so I hope you enjoy.