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EPISODE # 5

Are You Afraid to Trust Again?

If you are afraid to trust again, tune in as I share exactly what to do to feel the courage and confidence to dip that toe in the dating pool after divorce.

In today's episode I'll be diving into the fears behind the belief that trusting after divorce is hard.

I’ll guide you to the core of what drives your ability to trust again and break down the 3 core ingredients to trusting yourself to date after divorce.  We’ll cover practices to release the fear of being hurt, to know you will be ok if you are hurt, and to trust yourself to make the right relationship decisions. 

 

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER: 

 

  • A process for understanding the beliefs behind your relationship patterns and what they teach you for trusting again.  So you can know the difference between fear based beliefs and simply the wrong relationship fit.

 

  • The key to trusting yourself like you would others and exactly how to do it so your heart knows you have it’s back. 

 

  • A method for releasing the fear of moving forward and dating again so you can feel confident in your choices and your ability to face hurt with resilience, grace, and courage. 



When you finish listening, I’d love to hear your biggest takeaway from today’s episode. Take a screenshot of you listening on your device, share it to your Instagram stories and tag me, @dianah_johnson

While you’re there, make sure you follow me on Instagram so you can see behind the scenes of how I help divorced women return to self love, rebuild their independent identity, and experience greater peace of mind after divorce. 

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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

I don’t know about you but the thought of dating after my divorce Was scarier than a room full of clowns.   

In a conversation with one of my clients the other day, she told me she’s finally feeling ready to dip her toe in the dating pool. And as we were discussing it she said, “after being so hurt in my marriage how do I ever trust again?” She is  feeling very scared about putting herself out there again. 

I get asked this question so often from my clients… How do you trust when you’ve been so hurt.I work with a lot of women who have experienced infidelity in their marriage and struggle to trust again.  And even for women who were the D-Day decision-makers to end the relationship, it’s still nerve-wracking and difficult to trust that a relationship will turn out after your marriage ends. 

This conversation is so important because it’s actually not about trusting again. That isn’t the feeling that we need to strive for to put ourselves out there for another relationship. And that’s what I’m going to dive into and this episode. If it’s not about trust, what is it about?  So if you are believing you need to trust again,  I’m going to share how to get to the core of what needs to change. So by the end of this episode you know exactly what to do, to feel the courage and the confidence to dip that toe in the dating pool. So stay tuned.  

Not being able to trust again is showing up from your past to predict your future.

I remember  the day I tried skiing for the first time. I think I was in my thirties. I was full of excitement and convinced that I was going to be a pro by the end of the day.

I took one ride down the bunny slope and then decided to go on the real hill. And here’s what happened … on my way down that hill, I hit a bump, flew up into the air, and landed on my back hitting my tailbone. And I blacked out for a little second from the pain.  Oh I still cringe just thinking about it.

My friend skied up to me and helped me up off the ground.  Believe it or not, a little while later, I decided to try the hill again. But here was the difference on the second time down the hill… I couldn’t get one of my legs to move.  It would not make the turn on the skis. It was dragging behind me like it no longer worked. Now let me be clear, this wasn’t because of any injury. There was no pain in that leg.  This was because, the second time down the hill, I had fear that I did not have the first time 

 

My first time down the hill, I didn’t realize the hurt that was possible if I fell. But Second attempt, I knew the pain that was possible and I was so scared to feel it again. And that fear seized up my body. I couldn’t even move the skis in unison to make a full trip down the hill. I had to take the skis off and walk back up to the lodge.

And here’s why I tell you this story… For my second trip I could not get rid of the fear of the potential hurt should I fall again. And it stopped me from being able to literally move forward down the hill. I no longer trusted myself or the skis or the friend who took me there. But it wasn’t trust that I needed. I needed a way to get out of the fear. I needed to no longer have the fear of getting hurt to keep going.

And that is what I’m going to be talking about in this episode. 

The question, how do I trust again is really, how do I stop feeling afraid of being hurt? And, how do I know I will BE ok if I am hurt again? And how will I make the right decisions to lessen that possibility that I will be hurt? Those are the real questions that are happening when you ask how can I trust again. 

Do you see how all of those questions really isn’t how do I trust man or relationships again? All of those questions are about you… How do I know I’ll be okay how do I stop feeling scared and how do I lessen the possibility of being hurt. So do those are the questions that we are going to focus on in this episode.

And here’s why this is the core of trusting again… you can never know how other people are going to feel or behave days, weeks, or years from now.  Even if you completely trust that person, you still never know for certain what will happen. 

 

The feeling of trust in others will not prevent you from getting hurt. Because you can’t control anyone outside of yourself… 

 

So let’s dive into how to do all of that now.  Here are the 3

Ingredients to Trusting Yourself Again …


  • YOU GET TO KNOW YOURSELF DEEPLY.

 

One of the most critical ingredients to self trust is getting to know your relationship patterns and the beliefs behind them.

 

Knowing yourself better will allow you to know the real source of any pain that comes from relationship decisions that you make. Without being aware of your own beliefs, you may struggle to know what is fear-based and what is simply the wrong relationship fit for you.

 

So the journey is to know your thoughts, the emotions that get triggered by those thoughts, and the actions you take because of how you feel. 

 

I want to share one of my favourite quotes from Brene Brown. …   Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

 

Brene Brown

 

It is the last line that I love the most.  “only when we are brave to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” 

 

I share because, to trust and allow yourself to be vulnerable, you have to be willing to explore your own darkness. To look at the relationship patterns that you have repeated in your life. And the lifetime of programming that’s driven those relationship patterns. That’s what I really mean about getting to know yourself again.  



We often say I can’t trust again because of what he did. But feelings inside of you are not about anyone else. Trusting you is not about relying on someone else to act differently. When someone breaks your trust it’s an opportunity to go inside and look deeply at beliefs that attracted that person into your life. My experience has been that every broken trust is a gift.  It’s an opportunity for me to release the beliefs, the programming of my lifetime.  

 

So you may be thinking now, how do I even know what that programming is.  Here’s how, you dive deep into your relationship patterns. Every pattern in your life holds the secret to the programming that you need to release to trust yourself again.

 

Here’s an example. If you repeatedly fall in love with unavailable men, deep down you may not believe you deserve someone fully available.  You may have programming that says I don’t deserve the attention. Based on the science of the brain, there is a connection between your beliefs about yourself and your relationship patterns.



Here’s an example that may be difficult to consider … we attract what we believe we deserve. You may be saying, I know I didn’t deserve to be with an alcoholic, an abusive man, or a cheater. And you are absolutely right you did not deserve it.

 

But what if you have programming that say I need to fix other people in order to be worthy myself. Or perhaps you grew up seeing your mother in a relationship that was abusive and you now have programming that it’s normal. That is what I mean by you will attract what you believe. Your mind’s job is to prove itself right. So whatever it is that you believe in your subconscious, your world will show you proof of that. So it is critical to get in touch with your patterns. 

 

You don’t need to go back and relive everything.  And you don’t need to know why the programming is there.  Knowing why will not change the outcome and will not rewire your brain. All you need to know is, what do I believe about relationships and myself in relationships. I invite to get really quiet and ask yourself  “what do I believe that may have attracted the relationships I’ve had.”

 

That is the essence of getting to know you deeply to trust yourself again.  

 


  • SHOW UP CONSISTENTLY FOR YOURSELF

The second ingredient to trusting yourself, is showing up for yourself consistently.  Your heart needs to know that you have it’s back. And it will only know that if you consistently show up for you.

The majority of us trust others once we get to know them and they show up for us consistently.   And they stay true to their word and repeatedly prove their self Integrity.

To trust yourself you have to meet the same requirements for you.  You earn your trust again by focusing on your relationship with you. 

 

So many of us want to feel differently overnight. We want to trust ourselves after we follow three steps. Or we want to forgive ourselves after they read a book on forgiveness. But most of these emotions are a state of BEing … a way of showing up in the world. It is a way of acting repeatedly.  So you can know without a doubt that you can trust yourself to make the best decisions for your higher self.

 

Remember you were born trusting yourself. And then life happens. You had a friend lie to you; a parent who said they would pick you up on time and then they didn’t; a teacher that said there was a Santa and there wasn’t.

Our mistrust happens from programming before the age of eight.  So we start not trusting the world and ourselves even back then. And it gets reinforced throughout our lifetime.

So it’s releasing this programming to know you can trust yourself.  To know you are able to overcome any challenges that may come your way.  To know you can face it all with grace, confidence, and perseverance.

 

 

You begin trusting you again in the same way you begin trusting anyone when you meet them. You show up for yourself consistently, you stay to your own word to yourself, and you repeatedly commit to the highest vision you have for yourself. You keep your boundaries, you stay firm on your standards for relationships, you identify your relationship values and you don’t waver. You tell yourself the truth about what you want and need and you follow through with being that person for you. These are the ways you rebuild your trust in you. Remember it’s not trusting others it’s trusting you. 

 

  • RELEASE THE FEAR

 

And the final ingredient to trusting you is releasing that fear of being hurt.  As I said earlier, what we really mean when they say how do I trust again, is how do I stop being afraid of being hurt again. Because if it was trust alone that we wanted,  it would mean we believe that trusting in and of itself will prevent the hurt. And we know that’s not true.

 

Let’s look at it this way … if you were to walk across a tightrope and you fully completely trusted the Rope to hold you because it was the best on the market… that trust in the Rope alone will not prevent you from falling… That trust in others alone will not prevent you from getting hurt.   And that is why we focus on “how do I stop feeling the fear of getting hurt again”. There’s only two true emotions on this planet and that is love or fear. You’re acting in love or you’re acting in fear.

 

So I invite to take the actions to release the fear of getting hurt. When you get rid of the fear you can move forward and date again.   

 

 

Here’s how to begin …  I invite you to explore the meaning you have attached to the past hurt.  

 

Do you now tell yourself…  

  • I always get hurt 
  • men can’t be trusted 
  • relationships always ends 
  • I’m not good enough 



Brainstorm on a piece of paper everything that you have made your broken trust mean about relationships. And then poke holes it all the beliefs that you wrote down. Become the best lawyer that’s making a case against these beliefs.  Disprove that you will always get hurt, or men can be trusted, or you’re not good enough to find the right partner. The source of the fear is this programming that was reinforced when you got hurt in past relationships. And for as long as you still have that programming, you will struggle to trust yourself again.   Without the fear you can put yourself out there again. 

 

REFLECTION QUESTIONS:

 

  1. What beliefs do I need to release to attract a relationship for my highest good.  Why do I believe about relationships in general, what do I believe about myself and my own worth in relationships,  including what I deserve. Look at your patterns and you will find the answer.

 

  1.  What fears do I have about getting into a relationship and how can I poke holes in those fear?

 

  1. How can I show up for myself consistently to show my heart I got it’s back?

 

And that’s it for this week. I hope you found that this episode served you with as much love as I put into it. Coming up next week I am sharing a podcast about something that I think every divorced woman needs to hear. And it’s all about what controls your happiness. So I hope you tune in.

And that’s it for today I am hoping that  you found today’s episode helpful.  If you do have any questions you can find me in our private FB Community Beyond Divorce: The Thriving Solo Sisterhood. 

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