4 STEPS TO FINALLY LET GO OF YOUR EX - Dianah Johnson Coaching

4 STEPS TO FINALLY LET GO OF YOUR EX

Ever feel surprised with yourself and miserable because you can’t let go of someone who’s cheated on you? If so, I have a powerful video for you that outlines the four main reasons why you can’t let go AND exactly what to do about it so you can finally let go, feel better, and create the life you so deeply deserve! This video is in my private FB Group with over 10,000 members supporting and loving each other – so if you haven’t already, now is the time to join.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/beyonddivorcethrivingsolo

Not into videos or Facebook?

No problem. Here are the details of what I shared…

 

The 4 Reasons Why You Can Let Go

 

HABIT: We have created a habit of holding on

 

Holding on is a habit because it’s a pattern of behavior that has been repeated over time.  When all that you’ve known for a long time is an attachment to another person, it takes time to break that pattern.  And a habit that has a strong emotional component is even harder to break.  For instance, if there were occasions that your ex repeatedly triggered a release of positive emotions in you, your body is conditioned to keep wanting that… even if you no longer want the person that your ex has become.  You become addicted to the release of positive emotions.  So it becomes a habit to hold on or go back to your ex to seek the release of those feel good chemicals.  Your body needs time to physically release the emotional memories so you can let go.  

 

BELIEF: We believe struggling to let go means we must really love him

 

Often we think the strength of the attachment is an indication of the amount of love we have for our ex.  Absolutely not.  The extent to which we hold on is based on how long we have repeated that pattern and reinforced the need to hold on in our brain.  The sooner we start doing something different, even when we don’t feel like it, the sooner we can let go.  We are not letting go of them – we are letting go of the pattern of holding on.  Doing the same things will keep the same emotions being triggered.  The more your emotions get triggered, the stronger the attachment grows.  We need to stop doing things to trigger the emotion.

 

VALIDATION: We are holding on to what we believe his love means about us

 

We often seek validation of our worth from other people.  So when someone cheats on us or leaves us, we fight to hold on because subconsciously we’re afraid it’ll confirm that we aren’t good enough.  So we  struggle with acceptance that they have moved on because that may mean to us that we aren’t lovable.  We are holding on to the validation of our worth, not necessarily holding on to him.  Often we get so caught up in not wanting to be rejected for this reason, we fail to consider if we even still want to be with that person ourselves.  

 

FEAR: We are afraid to lose our identity

 

Often we believe the roles we play in life are our identity.  In reality, who we are is not the roles we play – including that of a wife or husband.  Holding on to that role is often an indicator that we feel lost and fearful about who we will be without the role of partner or wife.  So we cling to it to help us feel the comfort of the known.  It is rarely about the other person – especially if they hurt us badly.  It’s most often the desire to whole on to the identity we’ve known for years of our lives.  The scary unknown doesn’t feel like a chosen alternative.  So we hold on, instead of let go. 

 

 

4 STEPS TO LET GO

 

1. BREAK THE HABIT

To break the habit you must become aware of your patterns that are reinforcing the habit of holding on.

How are you reinforcing the habit of holding on?

Is it through consistent contact with your ex? Are you going to your old hangouts? Are you sitting in your memories all day? Are you asking friends about him? Are you laying in bed and replaying your life together? Listening to your songs? Are you telling the story of him repeatedly to people and yourself?

Take action to Break the Habit.

In order to reprogram your brain from holding on you have to do something different and stop all the things that are reinforcing the habit of holding on.

 

2. QUESTION YOUR BELIEFS ABOUT THE ATTACHMENT

If you believe, “I still want him despite what he did”, ask yourself is that absolutely true?

Is it him you want? What is also possible?

Could you possibly want the safety of the known? Could you want the validation about your worth? Could you simply just want him to choose you even if it wasn’t the best relationship? Could you just want your old life back because it was what you knew and it didn’t feel as scary as the unknown?

There are so many reasons why you could be holding on to him and none may have to do with love… especially if he’s cheated.  So it is important to question the truth of any thoughts that make you want to hold on.  You may find, you don’t want to hold on to him at all.  You may want to simply not let go because of fear.  Courageous steps create courage.  If it’s fear holding you back, take small actions to give confidence to take the next step.  

 

3. VALIDATE YOURSELF

You will have a much easier time letting go if you validate your worth internally and do not need his love to validate it. Focus all of your energy on loving you and not on whether he is loving you.   Give yourself the love attention you deserve, and the love and attention you are seeking from him.  You can and should fill the void within.  We can never validation our worth through another person.  We validate out worth by reconnecting to ourselves.  Remember, you are innately worthy, it is the gift of being human.  Part of this post divorce journey is to return back to the beautiful being you were born as – the one that unconditionally loved herself before life got a hold of you.  

If you’re joining the group, check out my video on self love in the announcements section.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/beyonddivorcethrivingsolo

 

4. CREATE YOUR INDEPENDENT IDENTITY

Do the work on getting to know yourself outside of him. We get so lost and forget ourselves in relationships. So when they leave, we feel empty and think it’s because of them. Not so. It’s because of us. Once you start to reconnect to your individual identity, outside of being a wife, you will no longer hold on to that identity with him and it will be easier to let him go.  Go on a journey of self re-discovery.  You are so much more than your relationship status.  

We can’t think our way out of pain but we can act our way out of it. Our actions reinforce new thoughts and emotions so let’s do this.

I recommend you pick just one doable thing today to help you let go just a little more. Today is a perfect day to show yourself some love don’t you think? 

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